In case you didn’t know, I’m trying to breastfeed Em, which I didn’t do for Jax. It is going exceptionally well, and that’s about all I expected to mention about breastfeeding on my blog ever again. Except that I’m realizing that nursing makes for funny and embarrassing stories, so there may be the rare nursing anecdote, because if I don’t include them, then I’m leaving out a gigantic part of our day and will therefore be holding back a bit on the blog. I don’t want to hold back, so here is my first embarrassing nursing story.
JDubbs has a few more days off before he heads back to work and my mom comes up to help out. Since I can’t drive for another week, anything that Jax or I want to do requires a chauffeur, and today that something was going back to story time at the Woodstock library. I coerced JDubbs into going to witness our son’s brilliance and good temper, and we arrived to find a room full of new moms and toddlers, as well as our friends Heather and Matt and another familiar mommy/daughter tandem. Jax was a bit intimidated because there were some older, boisterous kids who got in his grill when the bubbles began flowing, so Daddy did not get to see Jax in all his uninhibited glory. But I was glad he was there with Em to see what our weekly routine is like.
That is until he caught my attention from across the little rec room and started pointing at my shirt. Yup, Mommy had forgotten something. Actually, two somethings. Wasn’t one of the reasons everyone was persuading me to breastfeed how convenient it is? How you can just grab your baby and go? Well, apparently, you can’t just grab your baby and go, because you must also grab these little things called “nursing pads,” which keep the whole world from knowing that you’re breastfeeding by blocking the inevitable leaking that apparently comes with singing “Old McDonald.” Yeah, not pretty, but especially embarrassing because there were several people there, including a dad, who I didn’t know. If it had been a room full of people I am friends with and with whom I am familiar, it wouldn’t have been that big a deal. This was not terrible, since they were all parents and probably have been there, done that. But to me, not the best way to kick off our first family excursion.
I scooted to the bathroom while JDubbs supervised our kids, did some damage control, and by the time story time was over, the only one who probably even remembered was me. But I’m sure I was a very attractive shade of red; always a dead giveaway.
Oh, and then on the way home while JDubbs and Jax were in the grocery store and I had my first attempt at nursing in the car, in a busy parking lot, with the Hooter Hider (big blanket thing to protect my modesty). I quickly realized I had to change Em’s diaper. No big deal. Remove baby from her food source (she was psyched), fix clothes, unpack all of her diaper changing gear, change her diaper in the front seat, only to realize her belly button stub had fallen off–gross. My worst nightmare. So what did I do? Keep it in a tissue and then tape it in her baby book? God, no. I looked around, noticed a manhole in the ground right behind me, and dumped her little stub into the sewer. I know, I’m supposed to love every inch of her with all of my heart and soul, but the reality is, that belly button stub has horrified me since she was born. What the hell was I supposed to do with it? I shudder just thinking about it, so into the manhole it went.
So, that was our first trip out as a family. Em is one week old, I managed to mortify myself as well as the people around me, and be utterly indifferent to a part of my daughter’s body on top of it all. You can all stop shaking your heads at me now. I know. And this is only embarrassing story #1. Just wait.