8:29 A.M.

It’s 8:29 A.M.  This is what my life is like.

  • Woke up a little before 7:00 to the sounds of my daughter whining that she can’t find her Binkie and Blankie.  Knowing her as I do, I know they are somewhere in her bed, next to the 3 new Disney princess dolls she got for her birthday, five books, three stuffed animals, two blankets, pillow, and God knows what other detritus that has found its way in there.  She is a hoarder. I ignored her and mentally begged JDubbs to take care of it.  He did.
  • I didn’t sleep well last night, mentally running through all the zillions of things I need to do before my photo shoots this weekend.  I was up until 11:00 pm getting some photos edited and off my memory card.  Jax developed a strange cough that kept me sleeping with one ear open, plus I had nightmares of arriving at my shoot unprepared, at the wrong time, or wrong place.  Not ready to start this day.
  • My husband comes to wake me up with a snuggle.   My eyes are not open because I cannot stand to face the glare of morning yet.  As I go to snuggle, he goes to kiss, and we smack heads.  Now I have a headache and will probably have a bruise.  Sexy.  I haven’t even opened my eyes yet.
  • 7:05.  In the shower.  Must shave legs; they are horrifying even for someone who lives in the woods of Vermont.  Kids are thundering outside the bathroom hallway, already very awake.  I am grateful for this extra five minutes of quiet.  Gave me time to wonder if there are any other tactics I haven’t tried to convince JDubbs to have another baby.  I think not.
  • 7:30.  I am dressed.  I have had a timeout with Jax to talk about his hitting.  JDubbs has had a timeout to talk to Jax about his hitting.  Em threw the contents of the box with all her hair clips into her bed.  I cleaned them out because I know I’d forgot by naptime.  I have since found more all over the house.  Had to carry each kid down the stairs individually because they insisted and it’s just that kind of day.
  • 7:45.  Kids have eaten breakfast.  It was miraculously uneventful. No spills, no meltdowns, no fights.  I emailed my clients for tomorrow’s shoot about the chance of rain.  Please God, no rain.
  • 8:00.  Bribed kids to let me clean their hands and faces with tiny containers of bubbles left over from Em’s party.  Em dumps one out immediately.  Have to get her another one.  Turn back to the kitchen to find my dog standing on all four legs on my kitchen table, licking up scraps.  Lose my mind and put him outside in the rain.  Call JDubbs to tell him that the dog is coming to work with him from now on.  No answer.
  • Get the pillowcases for the living room throw pillows out of the dryer.  Had to wash them because there was a chance my niece had headlice, something I am NOT mentally prepared to deal with.  Turns out she didn’t, but now I have clean throw pillows.  However I also have to wrangle these freaking pillows back into those tiny pillowcases.  By the end, I am covered in feathers.
  • 8:10.  Jax and Em get into a battle over the bubbles.  I realize now that was a bad idea.  Jax hits her.  I lose my mind again.  My patience is officially exhausted.  It is only 8:10.  JDubbs calls back and I start to cry because neither my son nor my dog actually listens to me.  JDubbs is not surprised they don’t listen to me.  Now I am aggravated.
  • Beg Jax tearfully to PLEASE start using his words and PLEASE stop hitting.  My tears seem to alarm him.  Hopefully he will take pity on me and begin to act like a human being again.  Otherwise he’s going to be sitting alone at the lunch table in a few years.  I waste precious time wondering if he is a sociopath.
  • 8:18.  Head upstairs to get the kids’ clothes.  Here a crash downstairs.  Come downstairs to find a basketball in the wine rack and one of my wine glasses in a million pieces on the floor.  The pieces are EVERYWHERE.  Mom always said, don’t play ball in the house.
  • 8:29.  Finish cleaning up the wine glass, have put on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, am finally sitting down to eat my own breakfast, and the kids have to be at school in 31 minutes.  They are not dressed.  I have lost my mind.  I think I will put on a second cartoon after this one.  I may need time for a cocktail.
  • Resisted the urge to have a mimosa and instead wrote this blog post.  At least now I feel better for having taken a moment to write all this stuff down.  Except for the fact that now it’s 8:53 and school starts in 7 minutes.  Kids are still not dressed, still watching TV.  Shit.
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